January is quickly passing me by, and my desire to live lighter and freer already seems like a struggle. The end of last year was frantic, and one day when I was given a moment of reflection by myself, I came back with two words “boundaries” and “margin”. So this year I have intentionally decided not to commit to many things (just yet), and I haven’t committed the girls to too much either. The year stretches before me like big blank pages waiting to be filled.
And the blankness scares me. Not knowing what this year is going to look like, how it is going to shape up, where I am going to go with it, that terrifies me. As you know, I am a list girl, I have such a desire to plan, a need to know. This year is defined so far in negatives, I know what I am not doing, but not what will fill my days.
You would think it would be easy to just stop, and wait, and see. It’s not, it’s the hardest thing. I want to chase after, pursue avenues, worry and work through ideas, be active, process, and emerge triumphant with a hard won plan. Instead I have forced myself to just sit and wait, be passive and let the plan come to me, shyly like a timid animal. That, that is hard.
I need to find a way to rest in this place and be okay with the not knowing, with just being and breathing, with waiting for the year to unfurl slowly, to reveal itself. I have no idea how to do that, but it helps that I have been reading other people who are also actively fighting busyness by choosing to rest and recuperate.
PS: For other people with more wisdom than me on this topic check out Shauna Niequiest and Anne Lamott.
That would be so so difficult for me! I understand your angst … can’t wait to see how it unfolds!