Capacity … Phew!
As Naomi commented on my last post “There! You’ve said it”.
So now I’ve said it, I thought I might look at what capacity means, what it is and what it isn’t for me in 2014.
Capacity isn’t saying yes to everything I get asked to do, or vaguely comes across my radar, or even gets suggested idly in a whimsical conversation. Tricky for me, because I love to be asked, and I love to help.
It is prayerfully considering what I say yes to and what I say no too. And recognising that sometimes I will get that wrong and will have to sometimes carefully withdraw, or continue until I can pull out gracefully.
Capacity isn’t about expecting perfection all the time. It is giving myself grace and an understanding that I will stuff up and that’s ok.
It is an understanding that life is a journey and sometimes the path is not as straight as I would wish and sometimes it is downright wonky.
But it is pushing myself to take risks where I have been playing it safe.
It is signing myself up for an online writer’s course to further develop my skills.
It is pulling my daughter out of day care, and acknowledging that yes I can manage both my daughters for the whole school holidays and still all end up alive and happy at the end of it. (… I’ll let you know how that goes!)
It is this feminist girl accepting the unglamorous role of “housekeeper” and tackling the upkeep of the house (but not the ironing … I know my limitations!)
It is getting out and about more with the kids; it is tackling painting with them; it is accepting that I am a creative person and allowing that to come out in my little touches in the house; it is a parenting course; it is organising wonderful date nights. The more I list, the more I get the sense that it feels like living!
Maybe you look at these things and you think “no big deal”. Not for you maybe, but for me these things touch on places of fear. Am I a good enough writer? Am I a good mother? Am I really creative? etc.
These are my touch points, you will have different ones, but the bottom line is I am sick and tired of operating form a habit of fear. So I am going to take the risk to actually live and see what happens.