What I lack

I have been feeling the gap of late. The gap between who I am, and who I want to be. The gap between what I know and what I need to know. There is a steep learning curve and I am right at the bottom of it.

I am in a season of stretch. I am in a season of great exponential growth.

I have a deep sense of my inadequacy, my shortfall, and what I lack. I feel unprepared to tackle the season ahead.

The stretch has been exhausting. I am tired. Only three months into the year, my overwhelming sense is that I’m tired.

And all I can see ahead of me is more stretch, more growth, and I’m not sure I can take it anymore. I’m not sure how much give this fragile soul has in her.

I find myself praying for infinite patience. I find myself wondering what the next step is. I find myself hoping I have enough emotional energy to cope with the next (inevitable) curve ball. I am in deep need of someone to help me carry this load.

So I bow my head.

And I open up my hands.

And I hear Him say, “my grace is sufficient.”*

And I exhale.

As I gaze on my inadequacies I hear Him point to his sufficiency.

As I focus on where I lack, He asks me to trust in his provision.

(For how will I know it comes from Him if I am always trying to create solutions myself?)

As I resist growth, He gently shows me the stretch a bud goes through to shape a tree.

As I attempt to rush the process He takes my hand, and says; “this is the way; walk in it.”*

I can choose to continue fighting this season of stretch or I can relax into it.

I can continue to go rigid with resistance, or allow the growth to come.

I can continue to clutch my inadequacies to my chest defensively, or I can let them go in an attitude of surrender and trust.

For my lack is not an end point, but just a beginning.

Jodie

* 2 Corinthians 12:9 and Isaiah 30:21